Unattractive, Male Sideline Reporter Ready to be Objectified by Employer


BRISTOL, CT – A group of disgruntled sideline reporters are looking to use ESPN’s current exodus of major talent as an opportunity to get some airtime.

As many have noticed, the winds of change are blowing heavily in the sports media business, especially near the Connecticut offices of the worldwide leader (ESPN). It is presumed that on-air talent such as Skip Bayless, Robert Flores, and Mike Tirico’s decisions to part ways with ESPN are due to the company’s current priority on producers and other ‘behind the scenes’ staff.

This has left the company with a number of openings on prominent time slots, and a group of usually unseen and eternally ugly, male reporters are eager to step into those prime-time roles.

One anonymous reporter, currently employed by ESPN, spoke to us about how the current climate of physical discrimination inhibits him and other male contemporaries from promotions he believes they qualify for.

“It just doesn’t seem fair to me,” the reporter said. “companies shouldn’t base who gets on the air on a person’s looks. I was in the same graduating class as Samantha Ponder. We had the same grades, yet she is on College Gameday, and (ESPN) won’t even let me fill in on ESPN News.”

While some are calling for a change, other reporters we’ve spoken to have submitted to the status quo in a last effort attempt to fall in the good graces of network executives.

“I’m no Erin Andrews, but I can do my best to be the piece of meat that the company needs,” a different reporter said. “Plastic surgery, a new wardrobe, whatever it takes to fulfill my lifelong dreams, I’ll do it.”

While the sports media conglomerate continues to fight its war against ‘high-maintenance’ talent, this bigger issue continues to surface. Are unqualified, spray tanned, teleprompter reading puppets given more opportunities than those who are more capable but probably couldn’t find a date to prom?

If you think this is shallow, google ‘sideline reporter’ and see what images come up.





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